The Presence Of Lilly
by Mac-alicious
Summary: Tonight Logan said to me that knowing Lilly didn't love him the same way he loved her made it easier to move on. He didn't have to feel guilty. Well that's great for him. What's my excuse?


A/N: This is just a little one-shot that's been sitting waiting to be posted. It's in Veronica's POV. It's based off of the scene during Season 1 between Logan and Veronica after they walk in on Logan's dad beating the heck out of Trina's boyfriend, I think. Where they kind of decide to be together...Anyway, it wouldn't leave me alone. So here it is...

Also, it's been a long time since I've posted or updated anything. If you're reading any of my other fics...I'm trying! I've just been so busy. I have a huge stack of stuff to type up that I just can't seem to make time for. I'm trying, I just started Christmas break so hopefully I'll get some more stuff out...So, thanks for being patient or not patient...thanks for still reading! R&R! -Mac

Disclaimer: Do not own Veronica Mars.

**The Presence Of Lilly**

Tonight Logan said to me that knowing Lilly didn't love him the same way he loved her made it easier to move on. He didn't have to feel guilty. Well that's great for him. What's my excuse?

Even though this thing between Logan and me has made me feel--when I've been numb and cold for so long--and even though I'm playing along like nothing is wrong, I can't help but feel like it's wrong. I feel so torn--like I have to choose between Logan and Lilly. That's a choice I don't want to even attempt. How do I choose one over the other? How do I choose at all?

I feel like Lilly is still here. She's still with me. I don't think she'll ever leave me--not until I solve her murder. Until I know who stole her from us. And because she's there and she's not going anywhere soon, it's hard to let myself be with Logan. It's hard for me to let go of the concept that Logan is Lilly's and only Lilly's.

Before Lilly's death, her relationship with Logan was bumpy by definition. They had perfected their yes-no-maybe, on-again-off-again dynamic. It never occurred to anyone that they may at some point end it for good. It was always assumed that if they broke up, they would get back together eventually. They had a lot of issues. They fought all the time, but that was just what they did. It was part of who they were as a couple. I believed--innocently I have to admit--they were it for each other.

But then she was murdered and here we are.

And maybe I still have that ignorant belief that Logan belongs to Lilly. That I have no right to him. When your dead best friend still appears to you--all the time--it's hard to let her go. It's hard to think that she's not really there. It's hard to believe she's gone. It makes it hard to think that her boyfriend is up for grabs. It makes it hard to let myself wnat him. It makes it hard to be the one he moves on with.

Lilly has become a presence that's all around me. She's like a force--if that makes any sense at all. Her presence motivates me to do things. She makes me fight harder. To search deeper. Her presence makes it impossible to walk away form her murder case. Until it is solved, it will be at the front of my mind. But as I feel Lilly around me--I fear that being with Logan would upset her. I don't want to lose her over Logan. I can't lose her, not yet.

While Logan may be able to say that because she didn't love him the way she should have, I can't. I still love Lilly the same. My love for her hasn't changed. She'll always be my best friend, in life and in death. Could I really betray her friendship for Logan?

Or could I really let something, that had the potential to be really good for me, go for a ghost?

It may sound crazy, but I really do believe we could be good together. I think we would have some problems--but we could work through them. We could have something real. Something pure. But with Lilly everywhere, I'm not sure I can do it. Logan may be able to let her go, but I can't yet. Even if I could, would I do it for him?

Maybe it isn't about letting Lilly go and giving up on what Logan and I could have. Maybe it's about _me_. Maybe it's about time I let myself feel something. I've been so empty since Lilly's death. I've been driven but empty. I get the feeling that Logan might be able to fill that emptiness. My fear is that if I have to give up Lilly in the process that emptiness might just get larger. But I might be able to be happy. I want so much to be happy. I've been so lacking in the happiness department lately. Logan could make me happy, I believe that.

But Lilly is just there and I can't ignore that.

Logan has to know how my relationship with Lilly was. He knows how determined I am to solve her case. He saw my files. It doesn't matter what I say, Lilly will always be my top priority--at least for now. Logan _has _to know. How could he ask this of me? What is he expecting? 

Easy. That I should be able to move on. And I should--it's been long enough. But as hurt as I was when I found out she had been murdered, I never let her go. Not fully. Maybe it's about time I started to.

Again, maybe this isn't about Logan or Lilly. This is about me. Just me. I need to make a choice for _me_. It's not a choice that will force me to forever lose Lilly. Or a choice about how I'll make Logan feel if I walk away. It's a choice about me and how I'll feel. It's a choice about my happiness. About my life--where it is now and where it's going. I have to choose between possibly being incredibly happy and fulfilled or being empty and isolated. Like that's a hard choice.

I have to make this choice for me. I have to disregard Lilly and Logan. I have to disregard what consequences my choice might have. I'll have to live with them either way. I have to think of myself first, even though I've put myself _last_ for so long. I've got my decision to make.

I choose them both. If I try hard enough I can make it work. I can be with Logan and still have the memory of Lilly. If Lilly cared about me as much as I did about her, she would want me to be happy--even in spirit. So, I'm going to be with Logan...To think we hated each other for so long. I'll just have to deal with the presence of Lilly on my own time.

Well, look at that Veronica Mars...you just made a decision for yourself. It's been a good day.


End file.
